Attending to relationships

One of the things that feels particularly universal to the human experience is our tendency to engage in relationships and to benefit from being involved in supportive relationships. Social bonding and connecting in supportive relationships help us to develop a sense of safety in the world and thus, allows us to shift into a calm state. Human beings, and other mammals for that matter, are said to co-regulate one another within the context of social bonding. Eye contact, safe and pleasant facial expressions, inviting and non-aggressive body language, and gentle prosodic vocalizations let us know on a deep mammalian level that we are in a safe social interaction, which allows our Central Nervous System to initiate a relaxation response. Although, there are various tools we can use independently to shift into a calm state of being, doing so through co-regulation with another person, is an in-born system we have available to us. This ability we have to co-regulate and calm one another, is an important pathway to physical and emotional wellness.

Relationships can be a source of joy and peace, which can increase our sense of satisfaction with our lives and can also protect us from the harmful effects of the inevitable stresses life presents. Given the power and preciousness of supportive relationships, it would serve us well to invest time and effort in taking care of our important relationships. It is too often that we take for granted those closest to us and allow hurts or resentments to build up over time, which can lead to the deterioration of important relationships. So, how can we attend to these important relationships? How can we take care of the relationships that bring us joy, peace, and help us to relax and maintain our physical and emotional health?

1) Set goals for the important relationships in your life. For example, perhaps you want to try to spend more time with your children, or with you partner. Maybe you want to try to resolve some long standing issues in a friendship or with a sibling. Identify areas for growth and set some goals.

2) Once, you've set your goal, break it down in to various smaller objectives that are specific, feasible, and measurable. Set a timeline for achieving various objectives. If your goal is to spend more time with your son, some of your objectives might be to: plan to have at least one meal per day together, or to have a discussion about activities the two of you might enjoy together.

3) Get started! Your timeline should include start dates for your objectives so you feel motivated and stay accountable to your goals.

4) Practice compassion with your self and for those you care about. This will help you navigate conflict in your relationships and help you practice patience with yourself as you work toward your relationship goals.

5) Practice forgiving and letting go. This includes forgiving your self and others for past hurts. Staying stuck in self blame or in anger with someone you care about tends to deteriorate relationships over time. Patiently work on forgiveness if you've chosen to remain in a relationship that has seen hurt and conflict.

6) Set time aside for fun and relaxation in all your relationships. When all or most of what you do with your friend, partner, or spouse is work-related, the relationship can suffer. Make sure to prioritize fun and relaxation. These moments are so essential to our physical and emotional health and our ability to be productive. It can be as simple as taking 15 minutes to have coffee together and chat or as elaborate as planning a fun get-away. The point is, fun is essential to healthy people and healthy relationships.

7) Practice honesty. The relationships that most enrich our lives are the ones in which, we can be our true selves and allow ourselves to be truly seen by the other. Being honest and authentic are essential ingredients for healthy relationships.

8)Practice kindness. Every now and then, go out of your way to show kindness to those you care for. Even modest demonstrations of kindness and care, go a long way to promoting healthy closeness in relationships.

9) Practice generosity. Be generous with your self and others. Give of your self and get in touch with all the positive things you have to contribute to your relationships. Allow yourself to be renewed by giving to those who are important to you. Be generous with your time and care.

10) Allow yourself to end relationships that are harmful and cannot be repaired. Not all relationships can be enriching or successful. Sometimes, the healthy choice is to allow ourselves to end a harmful relationship. We can initiate these kind of endings with kindness and empathy to the best of our ability. Keep in mind that working toward forgiveness even when you've chosen to end a relationship can still be a productive endeavor.

Wishing you the best with all the important relationships in your lives.