Working with negative emotions: getting comfortable with discomfort

Most people experience some kind of difficulty with negative emotions. Whether negative emotions arise frequently or they simply overwhelm us when they do arise; people tend not to have an easy time feeling anxious, angry, sad, ashamed, guilty, and so forth. More typically, people do whatever is in their power to avoid these emotional states. Sometimes we repress or deny our feelings, or attempt to change our state with alcohol or other drugs, with food, with exercise, with sex, or by binge watching television shows. With each time that we repress or deny a negative feeling or attempt to change our state, we teach ourselves that we cannot or should not feel whatever the feeling is, anger, fear, sadness, etc. Over the years, on some level we come to believe that we cannot really tolerate those feelings or that it is some kind of problem or aberration for us to feel anything other than calm, pleasant feelings.

We also often experience what is sometimes called a secondary emotional response. For example, if someone does something that causes another person to feel ashamed and embarrassed, those initial feeling states may quickly lead to feelings of anger or rage. We may feel that feelings of shame or embarrassment are so uncomfortable that we cannot tolerate them and so the feeling state shifts into anger or rage directed at the person who inspired the initial intolerable feelings. When our emotional states do not flow in accordance with the way we believe we should feel, we can experience significant suffering.

Our thoughts and beliefs can also be problematic when we're experiencing difficult circumstances. When we feel that our situation is unfair, that we do not deserve what is happening and we are refusing to fully accept our present reality, we can also suffer greatly. Human beings do not seem to be naturally built to coast through and easily cope with negative emotions. Frankly, most of us really struggle with it. We are then faced with the task of learning how to work with negative emotions; developing skills for relaxing and growing at ease with discomfort.

Using mindfulness to work specifically on accepting difficult realities and feeling unpleasant emotions, rather than escaping from reality in some way, can train us to respond differently to stress and unpleasantness. A mindfulness practice can help us re-connect with the present moment and let go of the narratives that play in our minds which tend to amplify difficult emotions. Mindfulness practices can help us stay put and not run from unpleasant thoughts or emotions and over time, we can become more able to tolerate strong feeling without spiraling. Mindfulness teaches us to adopt an attitude of non-judgment and compassion toward ourselves, others, and our situation. This non-judgmental, compassionate stance is a significant part of working with negative emotions. It is part of what allows us to let go of all the layers of meaning we add on to our feeling states. It allows us to get in touch with the feelings in a fundamental way. To simply experience the energy of the feelings and notice how our inner state shifts from moment to moment.

Stay tuned for future blog posts with more info about Mindfulness. For those considering trying a mindfulness practice, check out the free app: Stop, Breath & Think.