Coping with Loss

The experience of loss is a universal one. We have all lost someone we loved whether through death or some other kind of separation, or we have lost something very significant to us like a job, an important opportunity, a home, an ability we once possessed. Although loss is a natural part of life, it is one of the things people tend to struggle with most deeply. The pain of loss can sometimes feel almost intolerable. It can overwhelm us and leave us stunned; unsure of what to do next. The sense of loss is often experienced as a not so gentle ebb and flow. At one moment, we are distracted, absorbed in something and "feeling fine," then the next moment, there it is. It can feel like a tidal wave all of the sudden appearing in front of us, huge and terrifying. It can almost feel like something physically hitting us; burdening us with its weight. Then, it somehow washes away again, leaving us unsure about when the pain will re-surface. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, certain places, foods, and events can bring even a very distant loss right back to the forefront of our minds.

We all have a unique way of coping with loss for better or worse. Most of us use a mixture of helpful and unhelpful coping strategies. Often, individuals in the same family or social network use very different ways of coping. This can present a significant challenge for the bereaved. For example, if you are a member of a family that has experienced a loss and you are the only one who feels like crying, expressing various emotions, and reminiscing about the deceased, you may be shamed, feel alone, angry, or even as thought there's something wrong with you for having those impulses. For those who have suffered what society typically defines as a very private kind of loss, such as a miscarriage, the grief experience can feel especially lonely; leaving the bereaved feeling misunderstood and alienated. For others who have experienced job losses, or perhaps the loss of an ability they once possessed, the strong emotions and difficulties associated with the loss may be invalidated by those around them. Society, family, friends, and co-workers may all have beliefs about how a loss should be mourned and how long the mourning process should endure. When our experience of grief and our process of mourning deviates from these expectations, we can find ourselves in a very challenging situation.

As people, most of us greatly benefit from social support. Research shows that positive social support and social engagement supports psychological, as well as, physical well-being. This is especially important when we are in mourning. Accessing support from understanding loved ones, and connecting with additional supports is particularly helpful for coping with loss. Consider looking into a local bereavement group, or seeing a grief counselor or local therapist to bolster your support network. Many faith based organizations and secular community centers have free bereavement groups for local residents.

Some additional coping strategies to consider:

* Journaling- have a space to write down your thoughts and feelings, track your mood, reminisce and review positive memories, etc.

*Memorializing- creating ways to remember and honor the person you lost. This can range from a formal ceremony to a small, private, creative activity, such as: making a collage of your favorite photos of the person.

*Volunteering- getting involved with a group or organization to contribute to others. It can often be therapeutic to volunteer for an organization related to the person you lost. For example, raising money for breast cancer research, or volunteering for a cause that you're loved one supported during their lifetime. It can also be just as helpful to volunteer for something totally unrelated to your loss and simply set aside some time to contribute to your community.

*Good Self-Care- monitoring and prioritizing physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being with good self-care practices such as: attending medical appointments, engaging in therapy or a support group, practicing good sleep hygiene, exercising in accordance with your ability and MD recommendations, seeking support from your faith community if that applies to you, taking time out for recreation, etc.

*Bolstering your sense of agency, mastery, and competence- engaging in activities that enhance your sense of these feelings is very beneficial. Especially for those who lost a job or an ability of some kind, finding ways to feel capable, strong, and skillful is of tremendous benefit. Use this time to explore new activities or re-discover former activities that once filled you with a sense of strength and purpose.